sabbath ...

A few weeks ago we began discussing “Sabbath” in our lil’ church. And a few weeks ago, I began attempting to practice it. To be honest, I’ve failed pretty miserably in my efforts. I mean… to put it bluntly… I’m bored. Instead of waking up and anticipating some amazing time with the Lord, I cringe at the thought of not getting to “accomplish” what I want and feel productive with my day. I’m uncaptivated. I’m unmotivated. I’m … bored.

So… this concerns me.

Why would God command His people to “keep the Sabbath” and attach a punishment as severe as death if said commandment was broken… if there wasn’t something important about this time.

I mean... what is the Sabbath?

I’m slowly learning that the Sabbath is an opportunity. It’s a time God has set aside to speak to us. To me. He says… just give me one day. Give me one day where we can meet, and I can speak, and you can listen. It’s one day meant to deepen relationship, to create understanding, to breathe peace… it’s an opportunity to rest in His love. And I’m bored.

Classic.

As I reflect on the last year, I realize it’s been one year since I left the ministry as a youth pastor. I moved, married my best friend, and started a new job. With all these new beginnings, there had to be some sad endings. It’s hard to reflect and not feel a sense of loss. I’ve lost the time to teach a handful of my favorite students. I’ve lost the closeness of friends who used to live right around the corner. I’ve lost the opportunities afforded to me while on staff at a church. And… most of all… I’ve lost the feeling of being supported by those who knew my ministry and trusted my leadership.
But… I’ve gained as well. I’ve gained the love of a husband, the opportunity to reunite with old friends, the comfort of a familiar city, and the joy of new beginnings. I’ve gained time… to figure out who the Lord is calling me to be. And … I am grateful.

But Sabbath?

It’s tricky… but I think the Lord is revealing just how shallow my relationship with Him is. If I’m bored… there’s clearly a dis-connect. Hello… the Creator of the Universe is asking to hold an audience with me… and I’m checked out. Thumbs up Rebecca. So… today I am checking back in, committing to discover the beauty that lies in Sabbath, and thankful for a God gracious enough to give me time to figure Him out.

Amazing grace.

so dirty ...

It's been a little while since I've written.  Lots of life changes... and to be honest... lots of heart changes.  I've moved, left a church and ministry that I love, and I've stepped into the next stage of my relationship... engagement!  Though life has been swirling all around me and I've been searching for ways to adjust... it is in this season that I have heard God more clearly than ever before.

In fact... God has been speaking so clearly to me that I've wondered if I've ever really heard Him before.  His voice is so.... well... intentional.  It's been so meticulous and meddling. =)  His voice has cut to the very core of my soul.  And... it's been terrifying.

See, I've been humiliated before.  I've been embarrassed.  I've been ashamed and have felt guilt before.  But... whew... nothing compares with being humbled by the Lord.  It's downright heart-wrenching.

A few weeks ago, God began meeting me in the mornings with whispers of conviction.  He began hinting to me about my "true character."  He began by revealing to me how great, how awesome, how unbelievably sovereign He is... and I began to gain some perspective.  At first, it was easy enough to convince myself that God was simply teaching me some small lesson in humility, or perhaps trying to remind me of His ultimate control of my life.  But, He began to speak louder, more clearly... and I began to crouch down a little lower to the ground.  I had officially been knocked off my pedestal.   Who knew I was on one?  Geesh.  Apparently the Lord. =)

I started to feel the mud around me... I felt the dirt around me... and felt a little trapped in my sin.  I felt stuck, if you will.  But, as I said before... His voice was intentional.  And He was intentionally placing me in my own little muddy prison... because it was there that I would hear His voice.   See God knows us... He knows how to speak, when to speak, and where we need to be to hear Him.  He knows I am a prideful, stubborn, strong-willed kid... and so He stuck me in my own mud and made me sit.  And DO NOTHING.  

Agh!  I felt miserable!  God was showing me that I couldn't get out of this lil' mud pile on my own.  I couldn't read more, pray more, fast more.... be more obedient, serve more... nothing.  He forced me to sit.  And I was silenced.  I finally found myself, in light of my sin, my dirt, my depravity... giving up.  Just sitting there.  But, I admit with shame that it took me a few solid weeks of fighting, crying, becoming more and more frustrated... to finally give up.  

So.... here I sit.  And have been sitting.  In this prison. I'm surrounded with my sin. I see it on the walls, hanging from the bars... and I am just sitting.  I feel my hands and feet stuck in the mud... so dirty... but trapped there... because He wants me to do nothing.  Nothing!

And ... in a very strange way... I am free.  I am beginning to sense His freedom.  I am aware of the depths of my sin and cannot escape it .  I am in a very real need of a Savior.  And... I have one. Hence, beginning to feel free... and beginning to be reminded of the Good News... the Gospel.  I cannot do it on my own. 

Though, don't get me wrong... I might be in prison for awhile. =)  See, God knows how stubborn I really am.  He wants me to stay here for just a wee bit longer... doing nothing... so that when He comes in, unlocks the cell, and steps in as redeemer, rescuer, and reviver... I will be completely aware that He has done this.  He has set me free.  Not me, not my service, not my ministry, not my prayers, or my motives.... but Him alone.

So I sit.  Humiliated before the Lord... sad at my sin, my deception, my foolishness.  Aware of His wrath, His judgment, His discipline.  Awaiting His redemption, restoration, and relentless love... and though I know it's available for me now, in this moment ... the lesson continues.  For it's just as hard for me to give grace as it is for me to receive it. 

Amazing grace. =)  How good is our Father that He loves us so much that He'll refine us?  Such sweet discipline... and I am amazed at His grace on me... for I am undeserving.

idolatry

i only have a second to write... here goes...

Thanks to my week in Texas, I am now officially contemplating idolatry. =)  I heard a sermon this week that has settled deep in my soul and keeps breathing new meaning each time I ponder it.  I listened as Matt Chandler preached on God being a Jealous God (podcast it, Patti!)...and I must admit... the brother got my mind reeling. =)

What an unreal concept... that Holy God, in His infinite love... is jealous for my attention.  It's natural, as Matt mentioned in his sermon, for us to hear the word "jealous" and think that somehow God is longing for something that He doesn't have.  It seems silly to believe God would be "wanting" for anything.  But, the concept of jealousy, in God's case, is simply... He is jealous for what is RIGHTFULLY HIS.  oh, that's me, by the way.

but... the tricky thing is... though i am completely God's... i choose to give myself over to other things before Him.  i place other things in His rightful place... and His jealousy is aroused for me.

can you believe it?  i am just a silly girl. =)

anyway, think about that. 

Unreasonable.

I had a friend tell me yesterday to.. "breathe deeply" and to "take it all in"... =)

Do ever have one of those moments where you realize God has blessed you in an unreasonable fashion?  That's how I am feeling these days.  Blessed.  I am holding my breath, wondering why I am experiencing this season of blessing... and then, the advice of a friend came and said.... "No breath holding!  Breathe deeply..."

Ah, yes.  So I will.  I will choose this week to breathe in His grace, His goodness, His provision, His glory, His magnitude, His holiness... and I will choose to breathe out all my selfishness, my doubt, my faithlessness, my sin, my insecurities..... and I'll take only Him in.

For He alone is worthy... for He is the author of my breath. =)

The Heavens are APPALLED.

God doesn't make sense to me.

None whatsoever. He is beyond, He is other... He is completely uncommon. This past weekend I spoke about how little sense God makes to me while speaking at a women's ministry event in Reno. And, ironically, He affirmed the very essence of my talk as soon as I finished speaking. I sat down and I had a moment with Lord in which I acknowledged that perhaps I am not meant to be a speaker. Perhaps I've been mistaken in believing that this was something that God had for my future. I finished speaking and was completely drained, exhausted... and to be perfectly honest, a bit baffled. I felt as though I'd completely failed. It was miserable.

But... to my surprise... God, made sense out of my seemingly senseless talk... and women were met by God during that time. =) Let's take a moment to thank the Lord for moving despite our inadequacies, shall we?

I had women approach me full of emotion and thank me for allowing the Lord to speak through me. Ha! I was amazed. God is so silly! Just when you think you've completely blown it, He arrives and says... "perfection." He takes the areas of our inability and uses them for His glory. What a brilliant twist!

So, I say again... God does not make any sense to me.

I came to seminary a few years ago hoping that within my classes and throughout my lectures, this Holy God might make a little more sense to me. I confess, God makes even less sense to me now then He did before I entered. =) Ah, the beauty.

The crazy thing about God not making sense to me... is that you know... we don't really make sense to God. See... He loves us in such a ridiculous manner that it does not make any sense to Him why we would choose something other than Him. Or... choose to reject Him altogether. In Jeremiah 2:12-13... He commands the heavens to be appalled... the angels are silenced as they whisper in shock that humanity has chosen something over Divinity in which to satisfy themselves.

Ironic, yes? That God looks down at humanity and shakes His head in wonder and amazement that we would choose to reject Him because ... well... He doesn't quite make sense to us.

I think if the Gospel made sense to us, we'd share it.
I think if the Bible made sense to us, we'd read it.
I think if God made sense to us... well, we'd never look to anything else to satisfy us.

But, He doesn't make sense... so we place our hope, faith, love in other things that we believe do. And, we miss out on experiencing the perfect loving of our souls.

And the heavens are appalled.

So, regardless of if He makes sense to you... perhaps you're simply meant to step out in faith and with obedience first... and then, the more you trust, the more you'll know Him... and then... well, maybe then Divinity might start making sense to humanity. =)

And then maybe the heavens would not have reason to sit in shock... but instead, they'd rejoice in celebration.

restitution

the idea of restitution is lost in our church today.

restitution: the act of restoring to the rightful owner something that has been taken away, lost, or surrendered.

the idea of "payback" is not something we in the church think often of. we think Jesus paid the price for sin, and we simply get to sit under His grace and that is the end of our responsibility. but, i must push further and stress the importance of seeking restitution when longing for restoration.

it is one thing to confess (which is commanded), another to ask for forgiveness (also commanded), and quite another to allow/receive healing and experience complete restoration (i believe that often comes through restitution).

we need to be people who set the record straight... who go above and beyond in trying to live at peace with all people. we need to be people who strive to bring about healing. and this is done by giving back.

it looks like working to regain trust, rebuild relationship, and restore respect. this is not done with a simple and heartfelt "i'm sorry"... it's done with an understanding of the ethical responsibility we have to set things right. of course, i believe this is done with the help of Christ, but i think we do our faith injustice when we simply demand God's grace and fail to step up to the plate.

please don't hear me taking anything away from Christ's work on the cross... it was perfect and complete in every way. but, the responsibility of the believer is to imitate our Savior... and when living in a broken relationship, the call is to breathe grace through restitution. the "i'm sorry" means a lot more with a little backbone to it.

=)

cleansing

during my first year of seminary, there was a ridiculous amount of rain that poured down on campus. it was never-ending. it just rained and rained and rained... i remember being so sick of the rain. and yet... i also remember really enjoying the moments curled up in front of the balcony windows, sipping some coffee, and studying some theology. i like being wrapped up in a blanket, thankful to be indoors... the rain made me appreciate the warmth. so, sure... i could spend a bit of time writing about the value of "storms" and the importance of "trials"... and how without the rain, there is no produce, no crop.. no fruit. but, that is not where i'm heading. =)

rain.

i long for it. in fact, currently i'd say i am desperate for it. i so crave a season of cleansing. a season of rain washing over me. and yet, the rain is not coming, the cleansing is not happening... instead, i am in a drought.

silly droughts.

and the thing about God, and the thing about droughts, and the thing about lacking rain... is that usually, it's our fault. =) like my perspective has ever so slightly been shifted back to me... my life... my issues... my desires... and i have lost sight of the One who breathes grace.

"rain come down, come and heal these sores and wash them clean, come and heal my soul. rain come quickly... come and ease this fire. rain silence me... " brie stoner

so, today.. i am praying for rain.