anticipation

i leave for africa in six days. this is exciting. i am anticipating greatness. =) honestly... i am overwhelmed at the way this whole thing has come together. this trip has had the fingerprints of God all over it... pretty amazing stuff.

anyway, as i prepare to lead four high school students into a realm of extreme poverty and cultural diversity... i am consumed with thoughts of the unknown. this will be my first time to africa, and my only experience leading a team of students doing overseas mission work. again... i am anticipating greatness.

have you ever felt so prepared to be unprepared? i think that i will look very much like gumby on this adventure... flexible and ready to be molded. i have no idea what to expect except the unexpected. and i am very much ready to have my life transformed.

all that to say.. though this writing is not communicating much, and my thoughts are scattered and my mind is in a million places as i prepare to leave the country... i am aware of God's movement in all this and am much anticipating His work to be accomplished.

here's to doing all things for His glory, His renown, and His pleasure. =)

new mercy

i am in awe of God's mercy. i was speaking with my best friend last night about the concepts of mercy and grace. God clearly distinguishes between the two throughout His Word. this idea of grace is getting what we really don't deserve, and therefore, mercy is of course not getting what we really do deserve. as i reflected on the beauty of these things, i was reminded of the passage in Scripture that says His mercies are new each morning. how often i have clung to that hope. it is a necessary thing for me to live in reality of God's grace. without that "new mercy" each morning, i confess i'd be in a desperate state. what joy breathes in me as i stand on grace. what life is experienced by me as i sit in His mercy. what hope... =)

yay.

so... this day will begin... me sitting under grace and relishing in mercy... and all because God is good. that's it. He's a good God. longing to bring about healing and restoration... seeking to bring about right relationship with His creation.

so, to those reading this.. i say, "seek to let God's intentions be made evident in your life. His intention is to offer you mercy, to gift you with grace... so, receive that in faith... and watch and be utterly amazed at the way He sings over you, delights over you, and dances over you... all the while excercising His love for you... for God is love."

amen?

showing up.

i am sitting in a very uncertain place in my life right now. things are fairly unstable... the ground is a bit shaky... and the future is more than unknown. yet, isn't it the very essence of our faith that God alone is all we need. i have been wrestling with how to trust God in the midst of the chaos around me. i keep expecting Him to "show up" in this way or in that way... and instead i sense His silence. He is breathing deeply next to me but i cannot see how He is "showing up." so... do i stress? do i panic? do i sin? these are my options. or... i can be reminded that i chose to give my life to a God who is high above me. i have given my life to Him and my ONLY responsibility is to trust in the way He chooses to lead me. He gets to lead... i get to follow. so, as i sit unrested in this very scattered and unsure place, i have no choice but to trust in the God above who is all i need. right? sounds so simple, eh?

as i dialogued with a friend about this season of my journey, he told me about how he longed for God to make Himself known to him. so he prayed one day and asked God to show him the majesty of the skies, and that as he looked up that he'd be blinded by the power of the starlight... and to his amazement, as his gaze turned upward... not a star was in sight.

that's so God. He longs for us to trust in Him alone, to not always depend on signs and wonders or miracles and gifts. but to worship God in the unknown, to trust that He is all we need... to depend on Him as if there was nothing else we could choose to place our trust in. oh, to be in that place with the God who alone deserves such affection. may He captivate my attention for the rest of this day... and may He remind me in His GRACE that He is God... that He is good... that He is faithful... and that He always "shows up."

infinite becoming intimate

there is this amazing thing in my life that i cannot seem to let go of... it's called "control." it holds such beauty for me! =) however, this beautiful obsession is something i am learning to let go of. not necessarily because i am some incredibly gifted woman who has learned the art of "living hands open"... but, more so that God has decided in His Sovereignty to simply rip it out from under me. such a kind God we serve, eh? =) He really does love me.

as i am preparing to take a team of four high school students overseas to southern uganda in... eeek.... 13 days!... i am sensing God's ridiculous efforts at refining me. He is gracious to give me lessons on leadership. however, when the Infinite becomes Intimate... why am i so reluctant to enjoy the journey? instead... i take deep breaths, hold on tight, and grieve over the loss of MY control. i long for it, yearn for it, dream of the days when all things were in my hands... and then God awakens me to the reality that... they never were.

He alone is in control. so, what is it that keeps me from joyously surrending to His orchestration? why am i so fiercely passionate about leading, and not about yielding, following, resting? i am too driven to pursue the things under my control and less engaging in the things God longs for me to rest in. i have so many things backwards. =)

but the beauty of karis is that... though i love my backwards living, God loves me more than to let me sit under my desires. instead, He places things in my life that force me to recklessly depend on Him. in the words of good ol' joshua radin..."part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear... you won't fall." so, as this day moves on... may i seek to live a life yeilded to the One who casts out fear and has only love to give. there should be no fear in falling in love with Jesus... His control is so much more beautiful than mine... therefore, trusting in it should breathe peace in my soul.

inconsideracy

there is one thing in my life that i struggle deeply to overlook. i cannot seem to have any patience or tolerance for inconsideracy. =) i am appalled at the way humanity cannot seem to look past their "moment" and see those around them having theirs. why are we so lost in ourselves that we think the world is unaffected by our sin, by our actions, by our attitudes? i am amazed at how often we are unaware of the happenings around us. anyone that has known me for even five seconds knows that this is an area of weakness of mine. i have no grace... no patience... for people who are inconsiderate. i think it is rude, un-Christlike... and honestly... it brings out anger in me. bleh. no fun. i would love to take this moment to blame this lack of forgiveness on my upbringing (passing blame is a game at which i am brilliant). i was raised in a family that prided itself on appearances. my dad was a diplomat and while living overseas, it was stressed time and time again that our family represented the United States in Denmark. we had to look prestine. therefore, we walked, talked, and acted with elegance, class, and poise... at all times. if not, the consequences would be the wrath of a father who could intimidate anyone with a mere glance. the older i got, the more embarrassed i became in going out publicly with people who were unaware of how poorly they acted. it took many close friends to help me understand that it was okay to have fun, get a lil' rowdy, and still maintain an attitude of awareness of those around you. and yet... here i sit... at 25... and i am still annoyed by people who live their lives in the realm of inconsideracy. so... now it's out... my biggest pet peeve. that's it, show's over... but, please know that this is something i am seeking to discern about myself. am i justified in my frustration? or do i need to learn to kick back, relax, and not live life with such intensity. this is my question... perhaps, in His grace, He'll reveal the answer.

"covenantal" friendships

for stacy and katie...

i am being made aware of the beauty that God intended for relationship. i think i have the best friends that God could bless me with... for me. i believe that God knows exactly who we need in our life to speak to our souls. He knows just who to make for us in order that we might experience the best possible life. now, i am sure this is coming off far more selfish than i intended for it to; however, i feel justified in this brilliant form of selfishness. =) i am in love with a Creator who knows me more than i know myself. He knows the deepest needs in me... and He has provided the perfect friends to meet them. what grace! i am amazed at the treasure that God has given me in my friends. there is committment, devotion, complete safety, trust... and a sense of responsibility that rests upon our friendship. i am overwhelmed at how good these people are. i am amazed at their passionate pursuit of God and am honored He would allow me to live my life alongside of theirs. i am humbled at their gifts, their perspectives, and the incredible wisdom they exude. such beauty lies in them... and i feel closer to God as i draw closer to them. or... perhaps it is the other way around? ha! truly, I am a blessed woman. as i reflect on my friendship with two particular women, i cannot doubt that God's hand has been upon us since the beginning. katie and stacy are women dave edwards would refer to as "covanental friends." they are friends that are God-ordained in my life ... they are women who i am loyal to, who i care deeply for, and who i can only pray grace upon. they are friends that are simply gifts. that's it. just gifts. to me, from God... out of His ridiculous grace and unbelievable mercy. and who doesn't like gifts? especially ones from Jesus to me? =)

stacy and katie... i love you. thank you for being the perfect friends in a broken and imperfect world.

worship in the waiting...

today i am sitting in the waiting room. it's that place where God sits you down and asks you if you're ready for what He has for you. it's that place where you're unsure of what lies ahead; however... you are being asked to worship Him while in the waiting room. ah, the beauty of relationship with One who knows all things. so, here i sit this morning... waiting on the unknown. being asked to place my trust in the One who is patient beyond my understanding. One who is used to waiting on His children to figure it out, waiting on humanity to accept relationship with divinity. One who is the holder of the keys that unlock the waiting room. there is so much to learn in the waiting room... so much time to think, to make decisions, to increase in faith. truly... it's a beautiful place. and i am actually excited He has me sitting here right now. the waiting room has not always been my favorite destination on my journey of faith. however, i anticipate greatness to come from this season of waiting... waiting on so many things to begin to come into focus. so here's to today... choosing to worship in the waiting and allow the Beautiful One to breathe patience in my being. it will be by His grace, of course, that these things come to pass... this patience i long to so impress upon my character... only by His grace will it be so.

reckless rest

i am amazed at my constant ability to refuse God's grace. it's as though i am unable to receive it because of my lack of understanding concerning it. this morning, i didn't go to church. i decided to take God up on His commandment of "rest" and i did indeed do just that. and what a perfect day of rest it has been. the irony is that this one day of rest is something God longs for me to experience weekly. this isn't a vacation kind of rest or a holiday sort of rest...it's God's design for necessary rest. and, today, i was able to be obedient in this command. it's as though God speaks softly to me and says, "rebecca, i have 'best possible life' for you, and in order for you to experience it, rest must occur... weekly." and my response is, 'great, God... once a year i will choose to experience this "best possible life" in regards to this parameter you've established." and without fail, when i choose God's best possible life for me... i experience rest. thus, i experience life. perhaps this day of sabbath rest has taught me that maybe God understands things better than i do? perhaps really 'living' meshed with really 'resting' allows for the tension of reality to subside, and the beauty of divinity to rise. i just might begin to recklesssly abandon myself to rest. it might just lead me to life.

"hands open"

i have been thinking about this concept of living "hands open"... in the sense that God can and will do as He desires in my life. so, how much different would my responses to His leading be, if my attitude was that of living a life "hands open"? it's a tricky thing to stand before a sovereign God and sneakily attempt to rebel. it has not worked out so much for me in the past. but, i think i have sought rebellion because my life has been "closed" to His guiding. see... i think i might actually know "better" than sovereign God. silly lil' rebecca. but then i am reminded that God tells us to approach that throne room of "grace"... sweet karis. there is such beauty in God sitting in that particular throne room with such a desperately needed title. i can imagine it in my head. a row of doors... each one leading to a different throne room.. and as God Himself walks down the hallway, deciding upon which one bests suits His purposes... He smiles as He looks upon the throne of grace. He walks past the throne of judgment, the throne of wrath, the throne of punishment... these serve their purposes, but these will not be the thrones His children approach Him on... only the throne of grace will suffice. and so He sits. and He waits. and as i approach the throne of grace, i am able to do so in confidence, because He has chosen that throne to sit upon. amazing karis. it is this God, on this throne, that i can trust in living "hands open"... and so today... i choose to live a life yielded completely to Him. let's see how i do tomorrow. =)