In fact... God has been speaking so clearly to me that I've wondered if I've ever really heard Him before. His voice is so.... well... intentional. It's been so meticulous and meddling. =) His voice has cut to the very core of my soul. And... it's been terrifying.
See, I've been humiliated before. I've been embarrassed. I've been ashamed and have felt guilt before. But... whew... nothing compares with being humbled by the Lord. It's downright heart-wrenching.
A few weeks ago, God began meeting me in the mornings with whispers of conviction. He began hinting to me about my "true character." He began by revealing to me how great, how awesome, how unbelievably sovereign He is... and I began to gain some perspective. At first, it was easy enough to convince myself that God was simply teaching me some small lesson in humility, or perhaps trying to remind me of His ultimate control of my life. But, He began to speak louder, more clearly... and I began to crouch down a little lower to the ground. I had officially been knocked off my pedestal. Who knew I was on one? Geesh. Apparently the Lord. =)
I started to feel the mud around me... I felt the dirt around me... and felt a little trapped in my sin. I felt stuck, if you will. But, as I said before... His voice was intentional. And He was intentionally placing me in my own little muddy prison... because it was there that I would hear His voice. See God knows us... He knows how to speak, when to speak, and where we need to be to hear Him. He knows I am a prideful, stubborn, strong-willed kid... and so He stuck me in my own mud and made me sit. And DO NOTHING.
Agh! I felt miserable! God was showing me that I couldn't get out of this lil' mud pile on my own. I couldn't read more, pray more, fast more.... be more obedient, serve more... nothing. He forced me to sit. And I was silenced. I finally found myself, in light of my sin, my dirt, my depravity... giving up. Just sitting there. But, I admit with shame that it took me a few solid weeks of fighting, crying, becoming more and more frustrated... to finally give up.
So.... here I sit. And have been sitting. In this prison. I'm surrounded with my sin. I see it on the walls, hanging from the bars... and I am just sitting. I feel my hands and feet stuck in the mud... so dirty... but trapped there... because He wants me to do nothing. Nothing!
And ... in a very strange way... I am free. I am beginning to sense His freedom. I am aware of the depths of my sin and cannot escape it . I am in a very real need of a Savior. And... I have one. Hence, beginning to feel free... and beginning to be reminded of the Good News... the Gospel. I cannot do it on my own.
Though, don't get me wrong... I might be in prison for awhile. =) See, God knows how stubborn I really am. He wants me to stay here for just a wee bit longer... doing nothing... so that when He comes in, unlocks the cell, and steps in as redeemer, rescuer, and reviver... I will be completely aware that He has done this. He has set me free. Not me, not my service, not my ministry, not my prayers, or my motives.... but Him alone.
So I sit. Humiliated before the Lord... sad at my sin, my deception, my foolishness. Aware of His wrath, His judgment, His discipline. Awaiting His redemption, restoration, and relentless love... and though I know it's available for me now, in this moment ... the lesson continues. For it's just as hard for me to give grace as it is for me to receive it.
Amazing grace. =) How good is our Father that He loves us so much that He'll refine us? Such sweet discipline... and I am amazed at His grace on me... for I am undeserving.
