I’m leaving for Africa in 38 days. I am beyond excited. Indeed, ever since I left, I knew I’d go back. It’s strange that I have never felt that way before in any other country. When I spent months in Australia, I loved every minute… but when it was time to go home, I was ready. When I spent a summer in Venezuela, I cried buckets on the plane ride home, but I also didn’t feel compelled to return. In Uganda… when I was driving away towards the airport… I had a thought… I thought, ‘I’ll be back… I’ll hug these kids and I’ll dance with these women. I cannot stay silent about what I’ve seen… and I know that I must return.’
When I returned from Uganda, I joined staff with Fount of Mercy and have awaited the day when my schedule would allow me to return. Well… January 2011… here I come! It’s a different feeling this time around… less is unknown, less is unexpected… and this time I am traveling with my husband, my friends; rather than my high school students. I feel a freedom awaits me in this trip. I’m excited to travel alongside my family and friends and step into Africa with reckless abandon, expecting God to do miraculous things, yet again.
I think it will be a bit strange not to have Teddy, Jack, Kendal, and Julie beside me in Uganda. Those students made my first trip to Uganda magical. I loved their insight, their love for the children, and the way they so openly and honestly processed their journey with me. What an honor is was to serve alongside them.
I never thought I would have a “heart” for a specific people… I always thought I would go and serve and love and help… and then leave. But with the people in Uganda… it is much different for me. I cannot explain it, but I love them. I want to see them do well, succeed, rejoice… and I want to be a part of that journey.
And… the best part of this is… I get to! =)
If you’re interested in finding out about the non-profit I work for, go to www.fountofmercy.org to learn more.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
relationship
When I was learning about God and figuring out faith, I was told I was entering into a "personal relationship" with Jesus. Though, I deeply appreciate this phrase, I think it fails to truly captivate the relationship God longs for us to have with Him. I think the word "personal" holds us in bondage to thinking that we have to do it alone, on our own... figuring it all out and processing through. But, throughout Scripture, God makes it clear that this is not his intention. His focus is always on His church. He gives us gifts that work together for good... and He desires that we live life in relationship with others. I think our relationship with Him is meant to be public, to be shared, to be open. However, we're so afraid of what people will think, of how we'll be perceived that we miss out on the beauty of true friendship. We miss out on the blessing of being in a community. We ... miss ... out.
I think God has amazing plans for relationships ... I think we need to get in line with that. The bottom line is that life should be about seeking Him, figuring out where He's headed, and jump on board. He makes it clear that relationships are essential, they should be of highest priority ... so I think we should align ourselves with that. =)
At the end of the day, the thing I value the most in my life are the people that invest in it. =) And those I have the joy of pouring myself into. And when I am broken, a mess, and tears are leaking all over my face... they are the people I feel safe with. For these people, I thank God. And to Him, I am thankful that He designed us in such a way to NEED each other. Life is not meant to be lived in isolation. In fact, in Proverbs... it tells us, He who lives life in isolation is a fool... so, to avoid being foolish... I choose people. I choose to be vulnerable, open, honest, and in deep relationships with brilliant people. =)
Thanks to those who I am honored to call friends. You are my heroes and you make me who I am. Thanks for speaking truth in my life and walking through life's beautiful journeys with me.
Here's to tomorrow. =)
Friday, July 30, 2010
Reflection
Just over two years ago I graduated seminary. Recently, many people have begun asking me about that time… so I started thinking a little about the journey God took me on while I was there. I remembered I had been asked to write a “reflection” paper during my last semester of seminary about what God had taught me during my time there. So… I dug it up. It’s only an excerpt, as the paper was pages and pages… but here’s the heart of it… =) For those who have been curious.
As I spent time reflecting over the last two and a half years, I could not help but be overwhelmed by the great work God has done in and through me. This is not to say that before seminary God was not moving; however, it does speak about this specific time and what God’s intentions for it were. He has changed much of who I thought I was.
Seminary has been what St. John of the Cross would call a “dark night of the soul.” It has been a season of intense grief and unbearable silence. It has been a time of struggle and wrestling. It has been a time of pain. Yet, in Scripture we read in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. And therefore, my seminary years have been such a time and have served a great purpose, but I am honestly relieved to see the finish line up ahead. It’s been a long race and I am anxious to see what is intended for my next season of life.
Looking through my journey, beginning with tools taken from my Foundations for Ministry class, to my journals, and then on to speaking with friends, I have been met with glaring realizations. I speak candidly when I say that I’ve been unimpressed looking back on the way I handled this time. I would venture to say I failed every test that the Lord handed to me. I was selfish, bitter, and handled each trial with a lack of both spiritual maturity and integrity. Like I said, God has done some mighty work in me.
Being identified as an ENTJ, according to the Meyers Briggs test, has very much shaped the way I viewed myself during the first year of seminary. God has sense refined and redirected this label, which has helped me immensely in understanding my ability to communicate with others. I love who God has made me to be when I am resting in His leadership. When I take the reigns and step out with confidence in the natural abilities God’s given, that is when the world crumbles. Though I am a leader, I am miserable at it on my own. Therefore, God has spent time during seminary bringing me to a place of complete surrender. This has been accomplished through painful and often humiliating circumstances. Yet, though I would not desire to change any of this journey, I would never long for anyone else to experience it.
My first year at seminary was probably the most difficult. I was amidst a broken community of believers where much sin was dictating our actions and little Spirit was involved in our conversations. Having said this, sin was in the camp and God was not pleased. However, being a merciful God, He sought to bring restoration to our fellowship despite our lack of affection for Him. Restoration came at a heavy price, though, and my first year I experienced the loss of many close friendships and was effected deeply by the poison that sin breathes. In a very real sense, I experienced how dark and ruthless sin can be. It literally can lead to death. In fact, it impacted our community in such a way that I was amazed at its far-reaching effects. It was as if a bomb exploded and shrapnel landed everywhere. People were hit by it in all different fashions and were unprepared to deal with the consequences. Through that year, above all else, God revealed to me that none of us are above anything. We all sin and without Christ there is no hope for innocence to reign. We will choose self over others every time in order to protect our own agendas. Needless to say, this experience shattered my faith and my perception of Christian community… all while on a seminary campus. This was clearly not my expectation when I began my Masters of Divinity. Who knew that seminary would lead to my biggest crisis of faith and cause me to re-think everything for which I had given my life. And yet, through it all, God intended to breathe grace upon me and bring about a redemption that was beyond my understanding of Him.
Returning to Golden Gate after that year was an act of God itself. I had been broken in such a way that I truly believed healing would never come. I was in a pit of despair and had no hope that God would rescue me, nor would He free me. Freedom was only a dream. Being one who is gifted in prophecy, it was easy for me to see God’s movement through back and white glasses. I couldn’t understand why He was pushing me to see things in grey. It was frustrating and pushed me to the point of exhaustion. I just couldn’t see past myself to allow Him to change my vision. Yet… He broke through.
Evidence for this season of doubt and depression can be found by looking at either my transcripts or inside my journals. Flipping through the pages of my journals you’ll find no ink, for the pages are blank. Being an avid writer, journaling is a passion of mine, and yet for the first two years of seminary I rarely wrote and the seldom times I did write my words are filled with questions and little substance of thought. The other evidence being my grades will allow for one to see the lack of effort I placed in one of the areas I tend to both enjoy and excel at. Truly my transcripts are unimpressive while I’ve been here at seminary. However, reflecting back on my circumstances, I am not sure I had the energy or clarity to do things any differently.
These past seven months, however, God has done much restoration in my soul. He’s breathed peace upon me and has been reviving my Spirit in some extraordinary ways. The main way He has done this has been through my ministry with high school students at a church in Vallejo. This church has supported me through my times of utter confusion and feelings of complete inadequacy. They’ve placed me as a leader of students that long after the Lord and their love has been the healing power God has used to bring me back to repentance.
This ministry has changed me more than any other aspect of my life. It has taught me to fall hard and stand up again on the foundation of Christ’s forgiveness and sanctification. The refinement I’ve gone through at this church has been healthy and not debilitating. It’s filled me with truth and not worthlessness. This church invested in my life and believed God was bigger than my shame, than my dirt. They stood by and watched Him clean me up and encouraged me in the process. And, because of their love, I am able to rest in His.
The point of this work was to spend time reflecting upon and understanding some of the ways God has changed me in these past two and a half years. I was meant to look back at see the evidence for His moving and glean …
Had to leave you hanging. =)
As I spent time reflecting over the last two and a half years, I could not help but be overwhelmed by the great work God has done in and through me. This is not to say that before seminary God was not moving; however, it does speak about this specific time and what God’s intentions for it were. He has changed much of who I thought I was.
Seminary has been what St. John of the Cross would call a “dark night of the soul.” It has been a season of intense grief and unbearable silence. It has been a time of struggle and wrestling. It has been a time of pain. Yet, in Scripture we read in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. And therefore, my seminary years have been such a time and have served a great purpose, but I am honestly relieved to see the finish line up ahead. It’s been a long race and I am anxious to see what is intended for my next season of life.
Looking through my journey, beginning with tools taken from my Foundations for Ministry class, to my journals, and then on to speaking with friends, I have been met with glaring realizations. I speak candidly when I say that I’ve been unimpressed looking back on the way I handled this time. I would venture to say I failed every test that the Lord handed to me. I was selfish, bitter, and handled each trial with a lack of both spiritual maturity and integrity. Like I said, God has done some mighty work in me.
Being identified as an ENTJ, according to the Meyers Briggs test, has very much shaped the way I viewed myself during the first year of seminary. God has sense refined and redirected this label, which has helped me immensely in understanding my ability to communicate with others. I love who God has made me to be when I am resting in His leadership. When I take the reigns and step out with confidence in the natural abilities God’s given, that is when the world crumbles. Though I am a leader, I am miserable at it on my own. Therefore, God has spent time during seminary bringing me to a place of complete surrender. This has been accomplished through painful and often humiliating circumstances. Yet, though I would not desire to change any of this journey, I would never long for anyone else to experience it.
My first year at seminary was probably the most difficult. I was amidst a broken community of believers where much sin was dictating our actions and little Spirit was involved in our conversations. Having said this, sin was in the camp and God was not pleased. However, being a merciful God, He sought to bring restoration to our fellowship despite our lack of affection for Him. Restoration came at a heavy price, though, and my first year I experienced the loss of many close friendships and was effected deeply by the poison that sin breathes. In a very real sense, I experienced how dark and ruthless sin can be. It literally can lead to death. In fact, it impacted our community in such a way that I was amazed at its far-reaching effects. It was as if a bomb exploded and shrapnel landed everywhere. People were hit by it in all different fashions and were unprepared to deal with the consequences. Through that year, above all else, God revealed to me that none of us are above anything. We all sin and without Christ there is no hope for innocence to reign. We will choose self over others every time in order to protect our own agendas. Needless to say, this experience shattered my faith and my perception of Christian community… all while on a seminary campus. This was clearly not my expectation when I began my Masters of Divinity. Who knew that seminary would lead to my biggest crisis of faith and cause me to re-think everything for which I had given my life. And yet, through it all, God intended to breathe grace upon me and bring about a redemption that was beyond my understanding of Him.
Returning to Golden Gate after that year was an act of God itself. I had been broken in such a way that I truly believed healing would never come. I was in a pit of despair and had no hope that God would rescue me, nor would He free me. Freedom was only a dream. Being one who is gifted in prophecy, it was easy for me to see God’s movement through back and white glasses. I couldn’t understand why He was pushing me to see things in grey. It was frustrating and pushed me to the point of exhaustion. I just couldn’t see past myself to allow Him to change my vision. Yet… He broke through.
Evidence for this season of doubt and depression can be found by looking at either my transcripts or inside my journals. Flipping through the pages of my journals you’ll find no ink, for the pages are blank. Being an avid writer, journaling is a passion of mine, and yet for the first two years of seminary I rarely wrote and the seldom times I did write my words are filled with questions and little substance of thought. The other evidence being my grades will allow for one to see the lack of effort I placed in one of the areas I tend to both enjoy and excel at. Truly my transcripts are unimpressive while I’ve been here at seminary. However, reflecting back on my circumstances, I am not sure I had the energy or clarity to do things any differently.
These past seven months, however, God has done much restoration in my soul. He’s breathed peace upon me and has been reviving my Spirit in some extraordinary ways. The main way He has done this has been through my ministry with high school students at a church in Vallejo. This church has supported me through my times of utter confusion and feelings of complete inadequacy. They’ve placed me as a leader of students that long after the Lord and their love has been the healing power God has used to bring me back to repentance.
This ministry has changed me more than any other aspect of my life. It has taught me to fall hard and stand up again on the foundation of Christ’s forgiveness and sanctification. The refinement I’ve gone through at this church has been healthy and not debilitating. It’s filled me with truth and not worthlessness. This church invested in my life and believed God was bigger than my shame, than my dirt. They stood by and watched Him clean me up and encouraged me in the process. And, because of their love, I am able to rest in His.
The point of this work was to spend time reflecting upon and understanding some of the ways God has changed me in these past two and a half years. I was meant to look back at see the evidence for His moving and glean …
Had to leave you hanging. =)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
weird
So ... it's official. I've left my Southern Baptist roots and have been attending a *gasp* "Pentecostal" church. That's right... I said it. And can I just say... I absolutely love it. I love being a part of a community of believers that "get" living the Gospel ... and do it so well. I love being a part of a people that love deeply, just because... and simply put... love God, love people. But... did I mention it's Pentecostal in theology?
So needless to say, I’ve been doing some studying. I’ve been learning about the Holy Spirit. I’ve been studying what the Scriptures have to say about this beautiful Counselor, this magnificent Teacher, this amazing Comforter. And... it makes me happy.
It’s interesting, telling people I’ve been attending this new church. Most react with, “Hmmm… yeah, I don’t do that whole speaking in tongues thing,” or “Oh, so they believe in all that Baptism of the Holy Spirit stuff?” or my personal favorite, “So do you get ‘slain in the Spirit’ there?” These things make me giggle a bit inside.
But, it has me thinking. Clearly, I’ve been “churched” in the Southern Baptist world. I am beyond comfortable there. I received my masters from a Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, therefore, I am educated in Southern Baptist doctrine. Since I was actually raised in a Catholic home, I have some of that theology rattling around in my soul, as well. But, Pentecostal? This is new territory, folks.
I’ve begun looking into the Word, seeing what it has to say about the gift of tongues, Baptism of the Holy Spirit, etc. And… it has to say quite a bit.
The point of this entry isn’t to really focus on all the things I am learning, but mainly to discuss the word “weird.” Who defines the word “weird” in relationship to the Holy Spirit? The obvious, most holy response, would be “Jesus”… He is the answer, right? But… Jesus is pretty weird. =) He spits in people’s eyes, He randomly writes in the sand, He walks on water… we see Him doing some “weird” things. In the Old Testament, we see God doing even weirder things. I’m not even going to list them (the Red Sea… what the?).
So… weirdness. Just think about it. A few friends and I have been discussing this topic of “Who defines what weird is?” And it’s been a fascinating discussion. Who is to say lying on the ground is weird? Who is to say lifting up one’s hands or clapping out of joy is weird? Who is to say speaking in tongues is weird?
Of course… I am not one to pull Scripture out of context… just hear me on this one… who determines weirdness? And if we begin to determine what weird is and what weird isn’t… doesn’t God then become confined to our definition of weird?
I have heard some say, it’s weird when people lift their hands in church… that it makes them uncomfortable… but look at Exodus 17: 11-12 -
Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.
See… weird, right? God is seriously all about the weirdness.
I won’t continue on writing on all this madness…. But, these are the thoughts in my head these days. Perhaps I’m weird? =)
This new church I’ve been attending… I like it. A lot. There a few things that don’t jive with me, that perhaps I don’t agree with, that I feel uncomfortable with. But in the end, I’m all about surrounding myself with believers that love God, love people, and seek to be Kingdom minded in all things. So… there it is. =)
So needless to say, I’ve been doing some studying. I’ve been learning about the Holy Spirit. I’ve been studying what the Scriptures have to say about this beautiful Counselor, this magnificent Teacher, this amazing Comforter. And... it makes me happy.
It’s interesting, telling people I’ve been attending this new church. Most react with, “Hmmm… yeah, I don’t do that whole speaking in tongues thing,” or “Oh, so they believe in all that Baptism of the Holy Spirit stuff?” or my personal favorite, “So do you get ‘slain in the Spirit’ there?” These things make me giggle a bit inside.
But, it has me thinking. Clearly, I’ve been “churched” in the Southern Baptist world. I am beyond comfortable there. I received my masters from a Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, therefore, I am educated in Southern Baptist doctrine. Since I was actually raised in a Catholic home, I have some of that theology rattling around in my soul, as well. But, Pentecostal? This is new territory, folks.
I’ve begun looking into the Word, seeing what it has to say about the gift of tongues, Baptism of the Holy Spirit, etc. And… it has to say quite a bit.
The point of this entry isn’t to really focus on all the things I am learning, but mainly to discuss the word “weird.” Who defines the word “weird” in relationship to the Holy Spirit? The obvious, most holy response, would be “Jesus”… He is the answer, right? But… Jesus is pretty weird. =) He spits in people’s eyes, He randomly writes in the sand, He walks on water… we see Him doing some “weird” things. In the Old Testament, we see God doing even weirder things. I’m not even going to list them (the Red Sea… what the?).
So… weirdness. Just think about it. A few friends and I have been discussing this topic of “Who defines what weird is?” And it’s been a fascinating discussion. Who is to say lying on the ground is weird? Who is to say lifting up one’s hands or clapping out of joy is weird? Who is to say speaking in tongues is weird?
Of course… I am not one to pull Scripture out of context… just hear me on this one… who determines weirdness? And if we begin to determine what weird is and what weird isn’t… doesn’t God then become confined to our definition of weird?
I have heard some say, it’s weird when people lift their hands in church… that it makes them uncomfortable… but look at Exodus 17: 11-12 -
Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.
See… weird, right? God is seriously all about the weirdness.
I won’t continue on writing on all this madness…. But, these are the thoughts in my head these days. Perhaps I’m weird? =)
This new church I’ve been attending… I like it. A lot. There a few things that don’t jive with me, that perhaps I don’t agree with, that I feel uncomfortable with. But in the end, I’m all about surrounding myself with believers that love God, love people, and seek to be Kingdom minded in all things. So… there it is. =)
Thursday, April 29, 2010
seasons...
seasons. i love them. absolutely.
summer: long days, late nights, sunshine, river days, pool nights, mocha frappuccinos.
fall: colors, cozy, the beckoning of the indoors, coffee dates, winding down, hot coffee and warm mochas.
winter: bundled up, ice skating, skiing, snowfall, peace, reflection, indoor game nights, movies, egg nog lattes.
spring: awakening, new beginnings, anticipation, days lengthening, iced vanilla lattes.
seasons. i love them. absolutely.
this past year... my seasons looks like this:
summer: wedding planning, getting re-settled, stressed, lonely, doubting, questioning, fearing.
fall: married, peace, settled, hopeful, thankful, blessed.
winter: cold, long, depressing, struggle, yet undoubtedly cared for.
spring: beyond hopeful. renewed. restored. refreshed. revived.
seasons. i love them. absolutely.
there is a deep beauty in the seasons of our soul. the despair. the peace. the languish. the hope. the study. the burden. the freedom. in all these seasons... He is there. He is breathing, whispering, teaching, guiding, refining, stretching, reflecting. He is faithful.
i am thankful to know the only God who is ever present, always loving, never forsaking, constantly shaping... He is the perfect lover of my soul. He gets me, hears me, comforts me, challenges me... wants only best for me. He is beautiful.
seasons. i love them. absolutely.
i am entering a new season. you know what i mean? you know that morning when you wake up, sip your coffee, and know He is turning the page. the season has ended. a new one is beginning. and you breathe, "thank you."
i made it. i persevered. i struggled, wrestled, then completely failed... and then tried again. and then i worried, doubted, questioned, and then awkwardly stumbled... and then tried again.
and the season has ended. the lesson's been learned, the journey's been taken, the storm has been weathered. and... a new day has come.
His mercies are new every morning... give thanks for this. and in season, and out of season... trust Him. He is doing a deep work, a new thing, a glorious act. and we can simply be thankful.
i am thankful this season is over. i am ready to rest in what He has done. i am thrilled to see what He has next.
seasons. i love them. absolutely.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
sabbath ...
A few weeks ago we began discussing “Sabbath” in our lil’ church. And a few weeks ago, I began attempting to practice it. To be honest, I’ve failed pretty miserably in my efforts. I mean… to put it bluntly… I’m bored. Instead of waking up and anticipating some amazing time with the Lord, I cringe at the thought of not getting to “accomplish” what I want and feel productive with my day. I’m uncaptivated. I’m unmotivated. I’m … bored.
So… this concerns me.
Why would God command His people to “keep the Sabbath” and attach a punishment as severe as death if said commandment was broken… if there wasn’t something important about this time.
I mean... what is the Sabbath?
I’m slowly learning that the Sabbath is an opportunity. It’s a time God has set aside to speak to us. To me. He says… just give me one day. Give me one day where we can meet, and I can speak, and you can listen. It’s one day meant to deepen relationship, to create understanding, to breathe peace… it’s an opportunity to rest in His love. And I’m bored.
Classic.
As I reflect on the last year, I realize it’s been one year since I left the ministry as a youth pastor. I moved, married my best friend, and started a new job. With all these new beginnings, there had to be some sad endings. It’s hard to reflect and not feel a sense of loss. I’ve lost the time to teach a handful of my favorite students. I’ve lost the closeness of friends who used to live right around the corner. I’ve lost the opportunities afforded to me while on staff at a church. And… most of all… I’ve lost the feeling of being supported by those who knew my ministry and trusted my leadership.
But… I’ve gained as well. I’ve gained the love of a husband, the opportunity to reunite with old friends, the comfort of a familiar city, and the joy of new beginnings. I’ve gained time… to figure out who the Lord is calling me to be. And … I am grateful.
But Sabbath?
It’s tricky… but I think the Lord is revealing just how shallow my relationship with Him is. If I’m bored… there’s clearly a dis-connect. Hello… the Creator of the Universe is asking to hold an audience with me… and I’m checked out. Thumbs up Rebecca. So… today I am checking back in, committing to discover the beauty that lies in Sabbath, and thankful for a God gracious enough to give me time to figure Him out.
Amazing grace.
So… this concerns me.
Why would God command His people to “keep the Sabbath” and attach a punishment as severe as death if said commandment was broken… if there wasn’t something important about this time.
I mean... what is the Sabbath?
I’m slowly learning that the Sabbath is an opportunity. It’s a time God has set aside to speak to us. To me. He says… just give me one day. Give me one day where we can meet, and I can speak, and you can listen. It’s one day meant to deepen relationship, to create understanding, to breathe peace… it’s an opportunity to rest in His love. And I’m bored.
Classic.
As I reflect on the last year, I realize it’s been one year since I left the ministry as a youth pastor. I moved, married my best friend, and started a new job. With all these new beginnings, there had to be some sad endings. It’s hard to reflect and not feel a sense of loss. I’ve lost the time to teach a handful of my favorite students. I’ve lost the closeness of friends who used to live right around the corner. I’ve lost the opportunities afforded to me while on staff at a church. And… most of all… I’ve lost the feeling of being supported by those who knew my ministry and trusted my leadership.
But… I’ve gained as well. I’ve gained the love of a husband, the opportunity to reunite with old friends, the comfort of a familiar city, and the joy of new beginnings. I’ve gained time… to figure out who the Lord is calling me to be. And … I am grateful.
But Sabbath?
It’s tricky… but I think the Lord is revealing just how shallow my relationship with Him is. If I’m bored… there’s clearly a dis-connect. Hello… the Creator of the Universe is asking to hold an audience with me… and I’m checked out. Thumbs up Rebecca. So… today I am checking back in, committing to discover the beauty that lies in Sabbath, and thankful for a God gracious enough to give me time to figure Him out.
Amazing grace.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
so dirty ...
It's been a little while since I've written. Lots of life changes... and to be honest... lots of heart changes. I've moved, left a church and ministry that I love, and I've stepped into the next stage of my relationship... engagement! Though life has been swirling all around me and I've been searching for ways to adjust... it is in this season that I have heard God more clearly than ever before.
In fact... God has been speaking so clearly to me that I've wondered if I've ever really heard Him before. His voice is so.... well... intentional. It's been so meticulous and meddling. =) His voice has cut to the very core of my soul. And... it's been terrifying.
See, I've been humiliated before. I've been embarrassed. I've been ashamed and have felt guilt before. But... whew... nothing compares with being humbled by the Lord. It's downright heart-wrenching.
A few weeks ago, God began meeting me in the mornings with whispers of conviction. He began hinting to me about my "true character." He began by revealing to me how great, how awesome, how unbelievably sovereign He is... and I began to gain some perspective. At first, it was easy enough to convince myself that God was simply teaching me some small lesson in humility, or perhaps trying to remind me of His ultimate control of my life. But, He began to speak louder, more clearly... and I began to crouch down a little lower to the ground. I had officially been knocked off my pedestal. Who knew I was on one? Geesh. Apparently the Lord. =)
I started to feel the mud around me... I felt the dirt around me... and felt a little trapped in my sin. I felt stuck, if you will. But, as I said before... His voice was intentional. And He was intentionally placing me in my own little muddy prison... because it was there that I would hear His voice. See God knows us... He knows how to speak, when to speak, and where we need to be to hear Him. He knows I am a prideful, stubborn, strong-willed kid... and so He stuck me in my own mud and made me sit. And DO NOTHING.
Agh! I felt miserable! God was showing me that I couldn't get out of this lil' mud pile on my own. I couldn't read more, pray more, fast more.... be more obedient, serve more... nothing. He forced me to sit. And I was silenced. I finally found myself, in light of my sin, my dirt, my depravity... giving up. Just sitting there. But, I admit with shame that it took me a few solid weeks of fighting, crying, becoming more and more frustrated... to finally give up.
So.... here I sit. And have been sitting. In this prison. I'm surrounded with my sin. I see it on the walls, hanging from the bars... and I am just sitting. I feel my hands and feet stuck in the mud... so dirty... but trapped there... because He wants me to do nothing. Nothing!
And ... in a very strange way... I am free. I am beginning to sense His freedom. I am aware of the depths of my sin and cannot escape it . I am in a very real need of a Savior. And... I have one. Hence, beginning to feel free... and beginning to be reminded of the Good News... the Gospel. I cannot do it on my own.
Though, don't get me wrong... I might be in prison for awhile. =) See, God knows how stubborn I really am. He wants me to stay here for just a wee bit longer... doing nothing... so that when He comes in, unlocks the cell, and steps in as redeemer, rescuer, and reviver... I will be completely aware that He has done this. He has set me free. Not me, not my service, not my ministry, not my prayers, or my motives.... but Him alone.
So I sit. Humiliated before the Lord... sad at my sin, my deception, my foolishness. Aware of His wrath, His judgment, His discipline. Awaiting His redemption, restoration, and relentless love... and though I know it's available for me now, in this moment ... the lesson continues. For it's just as hard for me to give grace as it is for me to receive it.
Amazing grace. =) How good is our Father that He loves us so much that He'll refine us? Such sweet discipline... and I am amazed at His grace on me... for I am undeserving.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
