Unreasonable.

I had a friend tell me yesterday to.. "breathe deeply" and to "take it all in"... =)

Do ever have one of those moments where you realize God has blessed you in an unreasonable fashion?  That's how I am feeling these days.  Blessed.  I am holding my breath, wondering why I am experiencing this season of blessing... and then, the advice of a friend came and said.... "No breath holding!  Breathe deeply..."

Ah, yes.  So I will.  I will choose this week to breathe in His grace, His goodness, His provision, His glory, His magnitude, His holiness... and I will choose to breathe out all my selfishness, my doubt, my faithlessness, my sin, my insecurities..... and I'll take only Him in.

For He alone is worthy... for He is the author of my breath. =)

The Heavens are APPALLED.

God doesn't make sense to me.

None whatsoever. He is beyond, He is other... He is completely uncommon. This past weekend I spoke about how little sense God makes to me while speaking at a women's ministry event in Reno. And, ironically, He affirmed the very essence of my talk as soon as I finished speaking. I sat down and I had a moment with Lord in which I acknowledged that perhaps I am not meant to be a speaker. Perhaps I've been mistaken in believing that this was something that God had for my future. I finished speaking and was completely drained, exhausted... and to be perfectly honest, a bit baffled. I felt as though I'd completely failed. It was miserable.

But... to my surprise... God, made sense out of my seemingly senseless talk... and women were met by God during that time. =) Let's take a moment to thank the Lord for moving despite our inadequacies, shall we?

I had women approach me full of emotion and thank me for allowing the Lord to speak through me. Ha! I was amazed. God is so silly! Just when you think you've completely blown it, He arrives and says... "perfection." He takes the areas of our inability and uses them for His glory. What a brilliant twist!

So, I say again... God does not make any sense to me.

I came to seminary a few years ago hoping that within my classes and throughout my lectures, this Holy God might make a little more sense to me. I confess, God makes even less sense to me now then He did before I entered. =) Ah, the beauty.

The crazy thing about God not making sense to me... is that you know... we don't really make sense to God. See... He loves us in such a ridiculous manner that it does not make any sense to Him why we would choose something other than Him. Or... choose to reject Him altogether. In Jeremiah 2:12-13... He commands the heavens to be appalled... the angels are silenced as they whisper in shock that humanity has chosen something over Divinity in which to satisfy themselves.

Ironic, yes? That God looks down at humanity and shakes His head in wonder and amazement that we would choose to reject Him because ... well... He doesn't quite make sense to us.

I think if the Gospel made sense to us, we'd share it.
I think if the Bible made sense to us, we'd read it.
I think if God made sense to us... well, we'd never look to anything else to satisfy us.

But, He doesn't make sense... so we place our hope, faith, love in other things that we believe do. And, we miss out on experiencing the perfect loving of our souls.

And the heavens are appalled.

So, regardless of if He makes sense to you... perhaps you're simply meant to step out in faith and with obedience first... and then, the more you trust, the more you'll know Him... and then... well, maybe then Divinity might start making sense to humanity. =)

And then maybe the heavens would not have reason to sit in shock... but instead, they'd rejoice in celebration.

restitution

the idea of restitution is lost in our church today.

restitution: the act of restoring to the rightful owner something that has been taken away, lost, or surrendered.

the idea of "payback" is not something we in the church think often of. we think Jesus paid the price for sin, and we simply get to sit under His grace and that is the end of our responsibility. but, i must push further and stress the importance of seeking restitution when longing for restoration.

it is one thing to confess (which is commanded), another to ask for forgiveness (also commanded), and quite another to allow/receive healing and experience complete restoration (i believe that often comes through restitution).

we need to be people who set the record straight... who go above and beyond in trying to live at peace with all people. we need to be people who strive to bring about healing. and this is done by giving back.

it looks like working to regain trust, rebuild relationship, and restore respect. this is not done with a simple and heartfelt "i'm sorry"... it's done with an understanding of the ethical responsibility we have to set things right. of course, i believe this is done with the help of Christ, but i think we do our faith injustice when we simply demand God's grace and fail to step up to the plate.

please don't hear me taking anything away from Christ's work on the cross... it was perfect and complete in every way. but, the responsibility of the believer is to imitate our Savior... and when living in a broken relationship, the call is to breathe grace through restitution. the "i'm sorry" means a lot more with a little backbone to it.

=)

cleansing

during my first year of seminary, there was a ridiculous amount of rain that poured down on campus. it was never-ending. it just rained and rained and rained... i remember being so sick of the rain. and yet... i also remember really enjoying the moments curled up in front of the balcony windows, sipping some coffee, and studying some theology. i like being wrapped up in a blanket, thankful to be indoors... the rain made me appreciate the warmth. so, sure... i could spend a bit of time writing about the value of "storms" and the importance of "trials"... and how without the rain, there is no produce, no crop.. no fruit. but, that is not where i'm heading. =)

rain.

i long for it. in fact, currently i'd say i am desperate for it. i so crave a season of cleansing. a season of rain washing over me. and yet, the rain is not coming, the cleansing is not happening... instead, i am in a drought.

silly droughts.

and the thing about God, and the thing about droughts, and the thing about lacking rain... is that usually, it's our fault. =) like my perspective has ever so slightly been shifted back to me... my life... my issues... my desires... and i have lost sight of the One who breathes grace.

"rain come down, come and heal these sores and wash them clean, come and heal my soul. rain come quickly... come and ease this fire. rain silence me... " brie stoner

so, today.. i am praying for rain.

one above the other

this thought has been rattling around in my head, and as i sat with my good friend sammie and discussed the beauty of our Creator last night... i decided it needed to be written. the thought that has me contemplating is this, "we are to desire obedience more than we are to depend on grace." what i mean by this ... is that far too many people have forsaken a pursuit of holiness. they have given up on striving to give God everything. they have settled for this "act now, pray later" kind of mentality which gives themselves the right to do whatever they want and assume God's grace. but, what gives us the right to demand grace? if it is demanded, it ceases to be grace and it becomes something other. right?

but... if we were people that sought to be holy, that lived life in sheer obedience to His call... then we would discover a life of faith that is beyond our expectations. yet, when we depend on God's grace... we lose sight of His commands, His character... His very essence... and we lose. we lose big.

don't get me wrong... i live under grace. and i thank God that it is by grace i have been saved... but, what i am talking about is the apathetic lifestyle that so much of the church has settled in. there is this blanket of complacency... it's simply smothering the road toward holiness.

so, as sammie and i reflected on the spiritual state in the Greater Bay Area ... it dawned on us that perhaps the church is resting in assumed grace instead of suiting up and pursuing holiness.

so... are you striving after holiness today? or simply making an assumption that it's God's will to allow you to sin just so that He can prove His graciousness? hmmm... He has nothing to prove, nor should He ever have to. =)

driven.

i remember my pastor told me years ago that i needed to set goals for my life.
i remember my teachers discussing my goals for my future while i was in high school.
i remember my mom asking me what kind of goals i had set for myself regarding those infamous "when i grow up" days.
i remember never really giving anyone the same answer... just whatever they expected or i thought they wanted to hear.

and then it hit me... about two weeks ago... i've achieved all my goals.

sounds good, right? hmmm... not so much. =)

for 25 years i have been one driven individual... passionately pursuing all the things i felt i needed to, wanted to, or felt called to.

and here i sit... resting in transition... and goal-less.
what's next for me?

i have no idea... but i am content in knowing that God is fully aware of my future and has plenty of goals just waiting for me to set. =) it brings peace knowing someone else is directing my steps. without knowledge of His plan for me... i think i'd be a bit more restless.

so, i am excited to see what lies in the next few months as God prepares for me for my next season of goal setting, and goal acheiving.

i remember my dad telling me that the majority of climbing accidents happen on the descent, not on the ascent. Climbers work dilligently and in a disciplined manner to acheive their goal at the top of the mountain, but on the way back down the hill... they relax, let go... and often fall.

my prayer is that as i descend down this mountain top that i have spent years working towards... that i would not cease to be driven, nor would i lack in discipline... but that i would be all the more ready to see what God has planned for the next mountain needing to be clinbed. =)

lacking

i have found myself lacking in words. i have been unable to write... unable to really process effectively through much of what God is doing in my life. it's been a bit of an overwhelming season. returning from africa has been an adjustment, though i spent less than two weeks there. i was transformed by the experiences i had there and thus, it's changed the person i thought i was.

it's a funny thing to feel speechless. it's a shock to most of my family and friends, as i am a talker. =) however... i have found myself silenced, sobered... fairly somber.... and honestly, a bit sad recently. very lost within my thoughts, hidden behind my struggles, and quiet in my pursuit of what is next for me.

all this to say... there are seasons for all things. yet, in "season" and out of "season" we are to be ready to serve our God. may i not be so introspective, completely self-reflective, that i lose sight of being other-minded and seeking to live for something beyond myself.

i'll close with this... in proverbs 1, there is this passage of lady wisdom calling in the streets, and yet there are simple ones, scoffers, and fools who choose to reject her words. they fail to respond to the kingdom's call... and they find themselves left wanting, left longing, left searching. but to those who receive wisdom, they find peace... they find... wisdom.

so, though i am lacking in words... i am confident that God is faithful to lead me in wisdom. i'll take wisdom over words any day. =)