Reflection

Just over two years ago I graduated seminary. Recently, many people have begun asking me about that time… so I started thinking a little about the journey God took me on while I was there. I remembered I had been asked to write a “reflection” paper during my last semester of seminary about what God had taught me during my time there. So… I dug it up. It’s only an excerpt, as the paper was pages and pages… but here’s the heart of it… =) For those who have been curious.

As I spent time reflecting over the last two and a half years, I could not help but be overwhelmed by the great work God has done in and through me. This is not to say that before seminary God was not moving; however, it does speak about this specific time and what God’s intentions for it were. He has changed much of who I thought I was.
Seminary has been what St. John of the Cross would call a “dark night of the soul.” It has been a season of intense grief and unbearable silence. It has been a time of struggle and wrestling. It has been a time of pain. Yet, in Scripture we read in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. And therefore, my seminary years have been such a time and have served a great purpose, but I am honestly relieved to see the finish line up ahead. It’s been a long race and I am anxious to see what is intended for my next season of life.
Looking through my journey, beginning with tools taken from my Foundations for Ministry class, to my journals, and then on to speaking with friends, I have been met with glaring realizations. I speak candidly when I say that I’ve been unimpressed looking back on the way I handled this time. I would venture to say I failed every test that the Lord handed to me. I was selfish, bitter, and handled each trial with a lack of both spiritual maturity and integrity. Like I said, God has done some mighty work in me.
Being identified as an ENTJ, according to the Meyers Briggs test, has very much shaped the way I viewed myself during the first year of seminary. God has sense refined and redirected this label, which has helped me immensely in understanding my ability to communicate with others. I love who God has made me to be when I am resting in His leadership. When I take the reigns and step out with confidence in the natural abilities God’s given, that is when the world crumbles. Though I am a leader, I am miserable at it on my own. Therefore, God has spent time during seminary bringing me to a place of complete surrender. This has been accomplished through painful and often humiliating circumstances. Yet, though I would not desire to change any of this journey, I would never long for anyone else to experience it.
My first year at seminary was probably the most difficult. I was amidst a broken community of believers where much sin was dictating our actions and little Spirit was involved in our conversations. Having said this, sin was in the camp and God was not pleased. However, being a merciful God, He sought to bring restoration to our fellowship despite our lack of affection for Him. Restoration came at a heavy price, though, and my first year I experienced the loss of many close friendships and was effected deeply by the poison that sin breathes. In a very real sense, I experienced how dark and ruthless sin can be. It literally can lead to death. In fact, it impacted our community in such a way that I was amazed at its far-reaching effects. It was as if a bomb exploded and shrapnel landed everywhere. People were hit by it in all different fashions and were unprepared to deal with the consequences. Through that year, above all else, God revealed to me that none of us are above anything. We all sin and without Christ there is no hope for innocence to reign. We will choose self over others every time in order to protect our own agendas. Needless to say, this experience shattered my faith and my perception of Christian community… all while on a seminary campus. This was clearly not my expectation when I began my Masters of Divinity. Who knew that seminary would lead to my biggest crisis of faith and cause me to re-think everything for which I had given my life. And yet, through it all, God intended to breathe grace upon me and bring about a redemption that was beyond my understanding of Him.
Returning to Golden Gate after that year was an act of God itself. I had been broken in such a way that I truly believed healing would never come. I was in a pit of despair and had no hope that God would rescue me, nor would He free me. Freedom was only a dream. Being one who is gifted in prophecy, it was easy for me to see God’s movement through back and white glasses. I couldn’t understand why He was pushing me to see things in grey. It was frustrating and pushed me to the point of exhaustion. I just couldn’t see past myself to allow Him to change my vision. Yet… He broke through.
Evidence for this season of doubt and depression can be found by looking at either my transcripts or inside my journals. Flipping through the pages of my journals you’ll find no ink, for the pages are blank. Being an avid writer, journaling is a passion of mine, and yet for the first two years of seminary I rarely wrote and the seldom times I did write my words are filled with questions and little substance of thought. The other evidence being my grades will allow for one to see the lack of effort I placed in one of the areas I tend to both enjoy and excel at. Truly my transcripts are unimpressive while I’ve been here at seminary. However, reflecting back on my circumstances, I am not sure I had the energy or clarity to do things any differently.
These past seven months, however, God has done much restoration in my soul. He’s breathed peace upon me and has been reviving my Spirit in some extraordinary ways. The main way He has done this has been through my ministry with high school students at a church in Vallejo. This church has supported me through my times of utter confusion and feelings of complete inadequacy. They’ve placed me as a leader of students that long after the Lord and their love has been the healing power God has used to bring me back to repentance.
This ministry has changed me more than any other aspect of my life. It has taught me to fall hard and stand up again on the foundation of Christ’s forgiveness and sanctification. The refinement I’ve gone through at this church has been healthy and not debilitating. It’s filled me with truth and not worthlessness. This church invested in my life and believed God was bigger than my shame, than my dirt. They stood by and watched Him clean me up and encouraged me in the process. And, because of their love, I am able to rest in His.
The point of this work was to spend time reflecting upon and understanding some of the ways God has changed me in these past two and a half years. I was meant to look back at see the evidence for His moving and glean …

Had to leave you hanging. =)