infinite becoming intimate

there is this amazing thing in my life that i cannot seem to let go of... it's called "control." it holds such beauty for me! =) however, this beautiful obsession is something i am learning to let go of. not necessarily because i am some incredibly gifted woman who has learned the art of "living hands open"... but, more so that God has decided in His Sovereignty to simply rip it out from under me. such a kind God we serve, eh? =) He really does love me.

as i am preparing to take a team of four high school students overseas to southern uganda in... eeek.... 13 days!... i am sensing God's ridiculous efforts at refining me. He is gracious to give me lessons on leadership. however, when the Infinite becomes Intimate... why am i so reluctant to enjoy the journey? instead... i take deep breaths, hold on tight, and grieve over the loss of MY control. i long for it, yearn for it, dream of the days when all things were in my hands... and then God awakens me to the reality that... they never were.

He alone is in control. so, what is it that keeps me from joyously surrending to His orchestration? why am i so fiercely passionate about leading, and not about yielding, following, resting? i am too driven to pursue the things under my control and less engaging in the things God longs for me to rest in. i have so many things backwards. =)

but the beauty of karis is that... though i love my backwards living, God loves me more than to let me sit under my desires. instead, He places things in my life that force me to recklessly depend on Him. in the words of good ol' joshua radin..."part of the beauty of falling in love with you, is the fear... you won't fall." so, as this day moves on... may i seek to live a life yeilded to the One who casts out fear and has only love to give. there should be no fear in falling in love with Jesus... His control is so much more beautiful than mine... therefore, trusting in it should breathe peace in my soul.